Watch out, monks, here I come!

Guess wot, Jude! Stephen rang the ol’ Archbear Chief Head Monk bloke at that monastery I was telling you about, and put in a good word for me so’s I can go and do some monking.

Stephen was on the phone for ages.  There was a spot of bovver coz the old fusspot – the Archbear, I mean, not Stephen, though Stephen’s a bit of an old woman in his own way. What was I saying? –  oh, yeah, the Archmonk wanted to know if I’d ever been in any trouble, like with the bear police, or anything like that.

Well, Jude, you know what Stephen’s like – he can’ t tell a lie.  He just can’t do it.  (What a drip!  He doesn’t know what he’s missing. I l0ve lying.)  Anyway, Stephen said yes, there had been an incident a long time ago and the Archbish bear said, what was that, then? and Stephen said I’d been the innocent party in a brawl with some very rough bears outside a pub in Cardiff.  Cheers, Stephen – ‘innocent’, eh?  Thanks for wrecking my street-cred.

I remember that night, Jude. Hee-hee-hee! It was two summers ago, before I met Stephen. There was this marvellous pub, full of frothing tankards, and bears knocking ’em back, and playing darts and flicking peanuts at the landlord.  You should’ve been there, Jude.  The place was jumpin’!  It was dead hot outside, too.  Really sweaty. Anyway, after chucking-out time I was having a fag in the back alley when this big brawny brutish bear in leathers came up and called me a girlie so I socked him one. Then the landlord opened the door and kicked out these two bears he’d found asleep on the floor in the loo, and they joined in, and we were all merrily bashing each other when someone called the bear cops and I got blamed. Wottalarf!

Where was I? Oh, that’s right, the Chief Monk Archbear. Well, he was a bit sniffy about all this and he said he took a ‘dim view’ or something pompous like that, but Stephen said he was convinced it was a miscarriage of justice and that in his eyes I hadn’t a stain on my character.

So I’m in!  The only drawback is, Stephen’s got to come with me to discourage me from going to any pubs.  He’s acting as guarantor for my good conduct. It’s going to be such a gas, Jude. I can’t wait to meet the monks. When I’m on gardening duty I’ll scratch about with the rake for a few minutes, then fling it behind a bush and go off and do some private sunbathing.  I’ll get Stephen to cover for me.

Love from Ted